Screaming Into the Void: The Horror of Forced De-Transition

Since January 20th, I’ve been forced to contemplate a terrifying reality: the possibility of forced de-transition.

No, we’re not there yet. But with every stroke of Trump’s pen, we’re moving closer. On Monday, another step was taken. And while many might say I’m overreacting, let me tell you who’s saying that—cisgender people. People who weren’t affected by the recent executive order. People who don’t understand what it feels like to have their existence erased by legislation.

With a single executive order, Trump dismantled years of progress. He took a step in his agenda to eradicate the Trans community—a community that has existed for as long as humans have walked this Earth, even if some people refuse to accept that truth.

The First Step Toward Erasure

This isn’t forced de-transition yet, but it’s a short hop from denying we exist to making our healthcare and medication illegal. The process has already begun.

Trump’s order has targeted those on Medicaid and other federal health insurance programs, removing coverage for gender dysphoria. Do you know what that means? It means fewer options for Trans people who need healthcare. It means cutting off access to hormones, therapy, and life-saving medication.

And understand this: we need our healthcare. We need our meds. This isn’t optional.

A Decade of Fighting to Be Myself

It’s been nearly ten years since I finally accepted who I was and started my journey toward becoming my authentic self. But before that, my life was unbearable.

Back then, I was an alcoholic. Every day was a fight to get out of bed. It took all my strength to make it through the workday pretending to be someone I wasn’t. More often than not, I’d call out sick just to spend the day drinking myself into oblivion, starting at 7 a.m. and not stopping until I passed out.

Even when I went to work, the moment I got home, the drinking started again. Alcohol was my only escape from a life that felt unbearable.

Deep down, I knew who I was. I always did. But I was terrified to admit it. For 40 years, I buried that truth because I knew how society treated Trans people. I didn’t want to face the ridicule, the rejection, the violence.

There were so many nights I went to bed drunk, wishing for two things: that I’d either wake up as a woman or not wake up at all. And every morning, I’d wake up in the same nightmare, trapped in a body and a life that didn’t feel like mine.

Even after I admitted to myself and others that I was Trans, the fight didn’t end. Gender dysphoria haunted me every day. Starting HRT helped, but the fear never went away. I worried constantly that someone would find out, that I’d be outed, that I’d be subjected to abuse or worse.

It was a battle—every single day.

The Hard-Won Progress They Want to Take Away

Over time, things got better. Therapy, hormones, and sheer determination helped me overcome my crutch of alcohol. I came out to my family and friends, and with that came a sense of relief I’d never felt before. For the first time, I felt authentic. I felt confident. I wasn’t pretending anymore.

But now, after a decade of fighting to live as my true self, the progress I’ve made is under attack.

Because for so many of us, our sense of identity—the sense of freedom and authenticity we’ve fought so hard to achieve—is tied to something as small as a single letter on an ID.

That tiny letter, that gender marker, might mean nothing to most people. But for Trans people, it means everything. It’s validation. It’s recognition. It’s proof that we are who we say we are.

And now they want to take that away.

Their Ignorance Is Infuriating

What galls me most is the blatant ignorance behind these attacks. Trump’s order states that gender markers must align with “sex at conception.” But here’s the thing: there is no sex at conception.

At conception, there’s only a genetic structure that defaults to female. It’s only at six weeks that the Y chromosome and the SRY gene might come into play to form male sex characteristics. So by the logic of his order, every single American is biologically female, or Neutral.

But Trump and his ilk don’t care about science or truth. Their agenda isn’t about biology—it’s about control. It’s about erasing us.

Exhaustion and Temptation

This is the horror I’ve been contemplating. The possibility of being forced back into the closet, of having my identity stripped away by people who don’t even see me as human.

And I won’t lie—it’s tempting to fall into old habits again. To lose myself in a bottle and hope that when I wake up, this nightmare will be over. Or maybe not wake up at all.

It’s been years since I’ve felt this overwhelmed. Fear, anger, despair—they all crash over me in waves, leaving me breathless and broken. There’s a part of me that just wants to give up, to stop fighting, to let the tide carry me away.

But there’s another part of me—a part that refuses to conform to their narrow perceptions. A part that wants to push back, to scream louder, to fight harder.

But even that part is tired.

I’m friggin’ exhausted. Exhausted from this daily fight just to exist, to survive, to hold on to the tiniest shred of dignity.

Screaming Into the Void

In a few years, I’ll have to renew my residency card. And when that happens, my gender marker will likely be changed back to “M.” Tennessee will undoubtedly follow the federal lead, enforcing laws that strip away the progress we’ve made.

They already require IDs to match birth certificates unless you can prove you’ve transitioned. And now they’re working on a bill to change the color of driver’s licenses for immigrants. Soon, I’ll be walking around with an ID that marks me as both an immigrant and a Trans person—a giant target for discrimination, harassment, and violence.

This isn’t the America we’re supposed to believe in. This is “Blood America.” The land of the not-so-free.

And honestly? Sometimes, I wonder if there’s even a point to writing about this.

For years, I’ve been screaming into the void, begging people to listen. But this void—it’s full of apathy. It’s called America.

I don’t understand how we got here. How people can be so indifferent to the suffering of others. How they can be so apathetic toward a minority that has almost no impact on their daily lives.

They don’t care that our rights are being erased. They either wanted this, or they didn’t care enough to stop it. And I don’t know which is worse.