When Humour Hurts: The Reality Behind Misgendering jokes.

There's a kind of humour that doesn't just offend - it can wound. Misgendering jokes fall into this category, and they are not just harmless fun. They are a reflection of deeper issues, and the pain they cause is real.

As a Trans woman, this is of particular importance to me. I have often shared, over the years, just how much baggage I have that goes with my gender identity. I have dealt with much of my baggage, but you know, there is always something lingering, and no other person can know how much baggage another has that might be tied to their gender. Trans people spend their daily lives dealing with being misgendered from family, friends, authorities and society in general. And when others turn this into a joke, it demeans their suffering. And it gets escalated when they are told to stop being so sensitive. I am here to point out that another person can in no way tell someone how to receive what they thought was a joke. You as an individual cannot know what they have been through, nor why it would affect them so much. So maybe, just maybe, take a minute to think how 'Your joke' might be perceived. Keep in mind it is about the human impact. Perhaps try to walk a mile in the shoes of a Trans person before telling them that the BS they deal with every day and is turned into a joke should not piss them off.

Misgendering in general sucks, but when it is used as a joke, it diminishes everything we go through in life. And I happen to think it is 100 times worse if you actually know a Trans person, and then ignore what they say, or become defensive when they call you out on it. That reaction and attitude simply demonstrates a severe lack of empathy to the Trans community and the actual person you know.

Keep in mind that Trans people fight every day for their identity. They spend lifetimes being told they are crazy, it's all in their head, they are wrong. When the people telling them these things have absolutely no idea what they are talking about. Frankly unless you are Trans or have studied it extensively from a medical aspect you cannot know what is right and wrong for a person. And you have no right to force your perception of their identity on them. Misgendering them is you forcing your concept of their identity upon them. Identity can only be determined by the individual in question. It is never about you being forced into believing something, it is simply about respecting anothers rights to be their authentic self.

Being misgendered can feel like a constant assault on your identity. It's an experience that can be both exhausting and deeply hurtful, chipping away at your sense of self with each occurrence. It erases a person's identity. Each time you misgender a person you are erasing a part of who they are, a very significant part that has already dealt with some serious trauma in life. It is a reminder that, to some people, our true selves are not seen or acknowledged. It is emotionally exhausting, forcing us to be constantly on guard, always ready to correct others or defend our identity. The vigilance is emotionally draining as we are constantly battling to be recognized and respected.

And there is seldom any understanding around the sense of injustice one has about being misgendered, especially when it happens repeatedly, which in some circles, it happens all too often. I often ask why people do not take even a second to stop and think how their comment might make another person feel. Why is it so wrong for a person to be hurt, offended or angry about being misgendered?

Turning misgendering into jokes does more than just hurt feelings - it fundamentally trivializes the very real and profound struggles that trans people face every day.

• Invalidation: When someone turns misgendering into a joke, it sends the message that the identities of trans people aren’t serious or legitimate. It reduces the deeply personal journey of understanding and asserting one’s gender to something that can be laughed at, implying that it’s not worth respecting.

• Marginalization: These jokes reinforce the idea that trans identities are on the margins of what’s considered “normal” or “acceptable.” By making light of misgendering, it positions trans people as “other,” suggesting that their experiences and identities are outside the realm of what deserves to be taken seriously.

• Minimizing Pain: Jokes about misgendering minimize the very real pain and trauma that come with being misgendered. They suggest that the hurt felt by trans people is overblown or not worthy of empathy, effectively downplaying the emotional and psychological toll that misgendering can take.

• Normalization of Disrespect: When misgendering becomes a punchline, it normalizes the act of misgendering itself, making it seem less like an act of disrespect and more like something trivial or benign. This normalization can make it harder for trans people to challenge misgendering when it happens, as it’s brushed off as “just a joke.”

• Perpetuating Myths: These jokes often rely on and perpetuate harmful stereotypes about trans people, such as the idea that trans identities are inherently confusing or deceptive. By making fun of misgendering, it reinforces the notion that trans people are somehow trying to “trick” others, which is a harmful and false narrative.

• Cultural Reinforcement: Misgendering jokes contribute to a culture that dismisses or mocks the struggles of trans people. This cultural reinforcement makes it more difficult for trans people to be seen as equals, and it perpetuates the discrimination and prejudice they face.

• Creating a Hostile Environment: When misgendering is turned into a joke, it creates an environment where trans people might feel unsafe or unwelcome to speak up about their experiences. The fear of being laughed at or not taken seriously can lead to self-censorship, further silencing voices that need to be heard.

• Discouraging Advocacy: These jokes can discourage trans people from advocating for their rights and dignity. If speaking out about misgendering is met with ridicule or dismissive humor, it sends the message that their concerns are not valid, making it harder for trans individuals to assert themselves.

• excusing Harmful Behavior: By framing misgendering as a joke, people can deflect accountability for their actions. It allows them to brush off the harm they cause by saying they were “just kidding,” which makes it harder to challenge and correct their behavior. This lack of accountability perpetuates a cycle of harm where trans people are continually disrespected without consequences.

• Shifting the Blame: When trans people do speak out against these jokes, they’re often accused of being overly sensitive or unable to take a joke. This shifts the blame onto the victim, rather than addressing the root problem of why misgendering is harmful in the first place.

• Missed Learning Opportunities: Jokes about misgendering close the door on opportunities for meaningful dialogue and education. Instead of engaging with the topic in a way that could foster understanding and growth, it trivializes the issue, preventing people from learning why misgendering is wrong and how they can do better.

• Reinforcing Ignorance: By turning misgendering into a joke, it reinforces ignorance about trans identities. It sends the message that understanding and respecting someone’s gender is not important, which perpetuates misinformation and prejudice.

And then when it is pointed out that the joke is in poor taste, all too often, we are met with defensive reactions and angry outbursts. Here are just a few ways that it affects me personally.

• Expecting Understanding from Friends: When you approach a friend about being misgendered, you likely do so with the expectation that they will understand and respect your feelings. After all, friendship is built on trust, empathy, and mutual respect. When that expectation is shattered by a defensive reaction, it feels like a betrayal. Instead of receiving the support and validation you need, you’re met with resistance, which can make you question the strength and sincerity of the friendship.

• Feeling Unseen: Defensiveness from friends can leave you feeling unseen and unheard. It sends the message that your friend values their comfort and ego over your identity and well-being. This can be deeply hurtful, as it suggests that your feelings and experiences are not important to them.

• Minimization of Your Experience: When a friend becomes defensive, they often minimize your experience by downplaying the significance of misgendering. Phrases like “I didn’t mean it that way” or “You’re overreacting” dismiss the impact of what happened and invalidate your feelings. This kind of dismissal can make you feel like your pain isn’t real or that you’re not entitled to your emotions.

• Gaslighting: In some cases, defensiveness can take the form of gaslighting, where your friend might try to make you doubt your own perception of the situation. They might insist that you’re being too sensitive or that their intentions should excuse the harm caused. This can be particularly frustrating, as it shifts the focus away from their behavior and onto you, making you feel like you’re the one at fault for being hurt.

• The Burden of Explanation: When friends react defensively, it often forces you into the position of having to educate them about why misgendering is wrong and why their reaction is hurtful. This is emotionally exhausting, especially when you’re already dealing with the pain of being misgendered. It can feel like you’re being asked to justify your identity and experiences, which is a burden that shouldn’t fall on you.

• Repeating the Same Conversations: If you find yourself repeatedly having to explain why misgendering is harmful, it can become extremely frustrating. It can feel like your friend isn’t really listening or isn’t willing to learn, which can lead to a sense of hopelessness and exasperation. The more you have to revisit the same conversation, the more draining it becomes, making you question why you have to keep fighting for basic respect.

• Shifting Blame: Defensiveness often comes with a shift in blame, where your friend might accuse you of being too harsh, unforgiving, or even unkind for pointing out their mistake. This not only invalidates your feelings but also puts you in a position where you’re made to feel guilty for simply asserting your identity. It’s frustrating to have your legitimate concerns turned back on you, as if you’re the one in the wrong for wanting to be respected.

• Derailing the Conversation: A defensive reaction can derail the conversation entirely, turning it into a discussion about your friend’s feelings rather than focusing on the harm that was done to you. This can be infuriating because it takes the spotlight off the real issue—misgendering—and places it on their discomfort. It can make you feel like your friend is more concerned with protecting their ego than with addressing the harm they’ve caused.

• Additional Layer of Pain: When someone becomes defensive after being called out for misgendering, it adds an additional layer of hurt on top of the original pain. Not only are you dealing with the sting of being misgendered, but now you’re also grappling with the emotional fallout of your friend’s reaction. It’s a double blow that can leave you feeling even more vulnerable and unsupported.

• Emotional Exhaustion: Over time, the combination of being misgendered and dealing with defensive reactions can lead to emotional exhaustion. It can make you weary of confronting these issues and may even cause you to withdraw from certain relationships to protect yourself from further harm.

All I have ever asked is that people try to embrace their own basic empathy. Take a second, just a second to think. Empathy allows us to step into someone else's shoes and catch even a glimpse of what they experience. Unless you are Trans, you will never fully understand, but then you do not have to understand to simply see that jokes and demeaning misgendering can cause harm. Understanding is not needed to empathize with someone. When someone tells you that being misgendered is hurtful and not a joke, responding with empathy means you take their words to heart, that you recognize the pain they are expression. Instead of reacting defensively, empathy could encourage you to listen, reflect and acknowledge anothers feelings. Defensiveness simply ignores their hurt, their identity, their rights to be themselves. It tells them that you simply do not care about their pain in any way, and that your right to express a crude joke is more important than their existence.

Choosing empathy over defensiveness is a powerful way to show respect for others, especially in matters as personal and important as gender identity. It requires humility, active listening, and a genuine willingness to understand and validate the experiences of others. By embracing empathy, we can foster stronger, more respectful relationships and contribute to a more inclusive and compassionate society. Respecting someone’s identity is not just a matter of politeness—it’s a fundamental act of recognizing their humanity.

Part of me knows that it can be futile to try to open a closed mind, especially when it’s firmly rooted in defensiveness and misunderstanding. Yet, the eternal optimist in me always wants to reach out, hoping for a better world with more understanding. I believe that every small act of empathy and every effort to educate can ripple outwards, slowly but surely creating a world where respect and kindness prevail over ignorance and cruelty. Even if progress is slow, I hold on to the hope that we can all move toward a future where everyone’s identity is honored and valued.